Blek, i disgust my self, i am so lazy, its been like a month since i washed my car. I can''t believe the reasons i gave my self to just ignore it. Its suppose to be my beloved, since i always wanted a car. Tsk, i am just so..urm .. dunno a right word to describe my self..."hangat hangat tahi ayam"? Yeah i know i suck.
Soulmates, do ppl actually believe there is such a thing? A person thats meant to be with u, its just weird don't you think? I mean c'mon, i have couple of guys that really click with me, does that mean their my soulmates? I thought you s'pose to have 1 soulmate. But then again, life is weird at times. Just wouldn't make sense, and all logical theories would not apply to the certain situation, left unexplained, or rather could not be explained?
Like what i did, for the couple of days back. I was so fucking bz, i hardly had enough sleep, but yet every night, this person, i don't know, never met, goes on line at 1-2 am, and i would still chat with for 2-3 hrs. Then i had to wake up at 8, grumpy, lack of sleep, and goes to work. Yet this person cheers me up. Does that mean this person is my soulmate? Cuz i had lots of fun chatting with anonymous. We would talk anything, and anonymous will send me lovely songs. Songs that i actually enjoyed, even its not in my category of music.
Yes it all sounds so ... perfect?.. but bad internet experinces warn me that things are too good to be true. A bit pessimistic, but it is the truth of the cybernetic world. This person could be lying all this while. Like c'mon, who really express themself to ppl you hardly know? and you've never met? I mean i could be a pschotic scientist, that wants to take over the world right? Its funny how u know ppl in the real world compare to the one u met online. Is there any difference in both? You could have know a person all your life and yet, he/she could be a total stranger to u. Have you ever thought that prolly u never understands you own siblings totally? even when you lived with them for all your life. And yet you seems to get so deep about a friend that you met for 2-3 years. But then again, is the deepness u know is what he/she is? Wow, this is getting confusing. I sorta know anonymous, but yet, i felt that what i know is not what anonymous is. U know, ppl usually had alter ego when they goes online. DOn't you notice some of your friends act differently when they talk to u online? Is that alter ego is really who we are? becuz we don't feel the pressure of looking at facial expressions ppl made when they lsiten to words we say? We tend to hold back certain things when we talk to ppl face to face. But in the net, we could just ramble, and rant and tell ppl how we feel without hesitation. In the real world, everybody wears a mask, i said that before, but what about the net? will ppl still wear masks? Its really confusing how human act. Well at least to me.
Well its been one week since i been meeting up anonymous regulary in the wee hours, and still i am actually looking foward for tonight's meeting. I wonder when will this end? as it always does.

I am BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so Happy today, weird, i am seldom happy, but i AM HAPPY. hehe ..reason? cuz i...i aslo dunno, mebbe its becuz i spent 8 hours talking an unknown person, or izzit i got a call from yong early in the morning. Or izzit i am completing my neverwinter nights game? or i am just happy becuz i want to be? WOW...this is confusing. ngeh ngeh.

Anyway, being happy is good, for once, i have droop long enuff. And wow, i was chatting with for 8 hours, we like talk about everything, and even debated that man and women have the same capabilities. And i am defending women and she is agaisnt that....weird...anyway, i also downloaded a few anime series, Full Metal Panic was pertty good, Getbackers is darn funny, and angelic layer...urm...reminds me of pokemon. But funny enuff it is highly rated. Hehe, i can be an anime distributer soon... I gave amy cowboy beebop and samurai deeper kyo...full sets.

Hehe, its weird, my passion for cartoons, and yet i am a thug, isn't it contradicting? Ahahah mebbe i am just a big kid after all, and they say men stop growing after 16, i stop growing after 10...hahaha.

I wanna get a tatoo, i wanna get a tatoo, but...if my parents finds out.....dead...so how so how so how?? sigh. Nvm la....

It was a total get away, i am avoiding it so badly, i know it, just deny its existence, but i know it will come back. It does all the time. This cny, is very much different from the last one, and the last one....what else can i say? One whole week i was on leave, and one whole i week i am avoiding ppl, civilization more like it, and tagged to my much babaric side and friends.

Andrew>Why is the ocean salty?
Me>After 5 million years of piss and shit, you tell me!

This is crazy, and crazy as it can be, i had been so crazy, its all crazy. I love being crazy, temporary insanity is so cool. Just to get high enuff to do shits.(to the po-po:no cracks invovled).
I had been avoiding some ppl, i dunno the reason tho, its weird, sometimes i just feel like it, not to see some ppl, not to talk, be moody, and yet i don't know the reason, not like any of them pissed me off. I can be so mean.

Valentine's day is comming.....sigh.........its sucks to be single at time like this, well its on friday, time to get drunk again.

Well, thats what i have been thinking. Its sure is superbly bored to live in a life i do. I don't know if you call this depression but everyday I woke up from my bed, i feel its gonna be just another day. Nothing ever happens, i need some excitement in my life, seriously. I am so bored of living like any other chumps. If i am gonna be a chump, well at least let it be a exciting one.
An old old old friend called yesterday, said he saw me in jon's car in subang on saturday. He said i look lil chubby. WHAT THE FUCK? We talked awhile, to catch things up, and he said i changed abit, not as cheerful as i used to be. Was i ever cheerful? I told him i just simply got matured, and no longer who i was when i was 17. He said mebbe, but he still thinks he likes the old me.
I had a fight with ma on sat too, so prolly i couldn't be as cheerful. ~-_-~. Why can't she just leave me alone?, I wanna be alone!!!FUCK I WANNA BE ALONE!!!!!! I just wanna be in my space. She will never understands me, i am just too complicated for her i guess. CNY is comming, and i don't feel joyful at all. I just hope i don't have to go see my relatives. All i am asking is just leave me alone.
Am i screwed? am i disturbed?......i don't know my self.
I am thinking to just move out, and stay somewhere else, i don't care where, just somewhere, but Amy kinda talk me out of it..for now...but i am still thinking about it.
Jonathan,.....sigh, why can't he just stop setting me up with girls? I am in no condition for a relationship now. He can't stop talking about su,....if i want to have a relationship, i will do it myself.....sigh....Everything is just so gloomy for me. Fuck the world.....

There was a guy
Never understood his life
Assume with his might
He will have the light
Has always stayed strong
Always smooth as a song
Always thinks he is never wrong

Never did he knew,
That what he thinks
That makes him sink
Sink as he did sink
Not that he has plink
To lose in this rink

As he fell
He never stops falling,
He stares at the ceiling
Wonders what causes his diminishing
He looked back what he had done
Nothing, not one
There just none he had done,
To say he had lived life,
Something proud to tell his son
If he ever get one,
Stories of great adventures and fun
None.

He never did went back up then
All he could is blame fate
Bury him with hate
Never knew it’s never to late
To change,
To return things to its initial state
And so did he fell
To the mortars, and shells
How the others repel
Caged himself in a cell
For bringing up hell
Sons of the liberty bell
Doomed him to the bottomless well.

On his dying breath
He saw death
He said nothing
Brought his hands up
In his shaky hands he holds a cup
In the cup lies a pulp,

hey alex, how are you? hope that your are doing well.

We all live in a world of lies isn't it? Everyone wears a mask, just pretending to be nice. But sometimes its so fake, you can just see right through them. Its not like i have a problem, just that i am scared, i don't know who my friends are anymore. Scary as it sounds, this is the dilemma i am facing.

TO add on to that, why do i have to fall for a friend's target? Well she always had been a crush for me, each time she comes back, she just make me feels sad again. But this time she had changed alot, she became so wild,...so...unpredicable? Its easy to tell your self forget about someone, but the truth is that its never easy to really forgets someone that attracts u so much. Well its a strange feeling, it not like pain, but its like your gut is twisted in a way, its like having ....butterflies in your stomach?

I tried to live simple, just let things be, but complicated things just have to some to me. I know its childish to want everything to be perfect, to live a troubless life, but i just hate it when all troubles comes at one shot. I notice i hadn't cried for like ....10 years?....i wish i can just like cry and go to sleep and forgets everything when i was much younger. But its not going to happen, i know that, cuz i am an adult......again i am lost in words...and i thought its suppose to make ppl happier when they spill out thier feelings, yet this time it makes me feels like a bitch again.

Wow, its been a long time since i write to u,...my precious {=op. Hehehe, I actually forgot when was the last time i write in here. Anyway, 2002, is over, and it makes me think about what have i done for the past year. Wow, its like been a year since i have graduated, been working for like 8 months now.

A short recap for the year, i have been bumming for like 4 months, did absolutely nothing, just played games, hang out at home, with friends, nothing memorable. After the bummming, i started work, 2 months i was a sales man, never did like the job tho. There is so much politic shit in it, and the bosses are like killing each other off. But i met some cool ppl, well actually one cool person, and his name is mizran. Well he ain't too bad tho, slacker like me, and just wanna have some fun in life. The rest is not worthy of my time to write about.

Now in this new company, well the pay is good, the money flows in well, just that its so not my cup of tea. Just don't have some one i can really get close to. I felt so alone in here. No body i can like hang out over the weekends with and talk crap.

The year 2002, well its not one of my best year, but well at least its not the worst either. At least i get to meet up some of my old pals, collge pals, n stuff.

Well at least i celebrated my year end with full of joy. I really enjoyed my stay in cameron with jon, ian , michelle. Its been quite some time i been so wild. Its good to let things be and just be you, do what ever you want. I felt so lifted when i was in cameron. I never did appreciate my trips during the past, as these stuff comes easy in college years. Now, with 20 tons of responsibilities on my shoulder, its never easy to be what i used to be. I each 1 added to your age, equal to more responsibilities added on to your weight.

Lets not talk about ther history already, cameron was so fun!!

Day 01
Me and jon meet up with each other in ss15 mcD, then ian join us later. Ian sent us to carrefour to get provisions, and we left for camerons at about 1200 hrs. The drive is like 3 to 3.5 hrs i think, cuz i slept part of the journey, on off thingy la. We reach tanah rata about 3-4 pm and we reach the sg pauh camp bout 5 pm. Set up tant n stuff. Then me n jon went for some intial trekking up hill to the watch tower. The trek is pretty cool, nothing much, lots of trees la, but the trek is kind challenging. Lotsa cimbing. At the peak, there is a watch tower, there you can kinda see the whole tanah rata. There is a guest book for climbers to sign on. So me n jon osso sign la, apa lagi. Then we trek down to the camp site. Pretty awesome la....its not the thing you see, but the feeling, unexplainable. At about 6-7 pm we kinda chill around, chat alil, and after that we wanted to cook dinner. Dinner is can food and maggi oni lor. But the fuck thing is, we have no can opener, and fork. FUCKED. So we call mich and her cuz, yee shin i think, to buy some on thier way up (they drove up later). We have burgers and sausages(forgot to mention) that night, and we talked buncha craps till 11 or 12, then we knock off. Sleep is awful!!! this makes me appreciate my comfy bed.

Day 2
Woke up at 5 am, take a walk to tanah rata alone while the 2 pigs are sleeping(mich and cuz went back to apartment). About 30 mins walk, no shops open, so just survey the place a lil, go bank press money. Go mamak drink hot tea. Walk back to camp site, reach about 7:30 am, still freezing cold. Then went trekking from t.rata to parit falls, robinson falls, and all the way to habu (estimated about 30 km walk). Again nuthing much, but its a great feeling. When we reach habu, we have no idea where are we, we end up in a vege farm. But the scenery is fucking cool!!!, then we ask one of the farmers where the heck are we. We didn't even know we went down hill. So we have to walk back up to tanah rata which about 10 km from habu!!! Totally wrecked when we reach back up in tanah rata.(never wear boots when you are walking up hill on tar, kills your feet). Then treck back to camp site (about 3-4 pm) drove to brinchang to meet mich, then go to her place to hang out for a while, played tai dee. Then we go gunung brinchang for sight seeing. After that, we decided to camp in gunung brinchang for a night. The mist is fucking thick. Hardly can see 5 feet away. We set up camp about 8-9 pm. Had dinner before that in mich house. Her parents came up at about 5-6 pm, so her bro starchan join us osso lo. Oh yea, before setting up camp we chilled at the tea plantation place for a while, the scenery is again......FUCKING AWESOME!!!! During the night, we again talk some crap, drink some beers, then sleep. Me and ian slept outside, so its fucking freezing. Go up at about 6 am, woke whole bunch up for sunrise, but mist too thick , went to ian's car to sleep till 9.

Day 3
Went eating lunch with mich parents in trinkap at about 12-1 pm, had the best tau foo far in my life. Then go shopping around tringkap and brinchang till 3-4 pm. Then ian left the clan, mich went back to apartement. So left me n jon. we lepak around then go to tanah rata again, chill out then headed back to camp. Did some talking in the tent, well lets just say i got to know jon better and he got to know "me", the real me.

Day 4
Time flies, its already day 4, i starting to miss the place already, we had a camper's breakfast, then we headed out to town to take a bus. Stopped at tapah for some food, then again headed back to KL.

During the whole trip, i get to know ppl i knew more, and i learned alot about life. How we should find and contol our life, hapiness, rather than let fate controls it. {=o). I know i can be a jerk at times, by being annoying, being a hypocrit, and other shit. And finally, i think mich is kinda cute at times too, but she still gives me the frights at times too. Happy new year ezdz, take charge of your life....

Wow, what tiredness can do to a person. I had a damn weird dream last night, well can't really recall all of em, but I was dreaming about me in a boy band??!?!? WTF??? then we all had this urm pee wee look, and the other 4 guys were actually quaduplet??!?!??!WTF??????????*_*...And you think things can't get any weirder, we have tons of fans...which i think we inherited from ELVIS???well i am not really sure if they are that old..but they are matured...well at leaset i think i do. Then out of no where, i became cook...HUH??U know those "kong fuu chow" cook?, i became that...but i wast cooking la...i was standing at the roadside smoking...come to think of it, its like those typical chinese movies. Then i dun remember what i dream but the last part just b4 i woke up, i was toking to someone. Dunno what i tok about la, but the person i was dreaming of is my old friend Jon Choo...wow........just yum char with the fella 2 nights ago oni...now dream of him. WOW....dreams can get really really weird.

Well, christmas is comming, and so is new year, another year, and take a moment and ask our self, what is the greatest thing that you have acheive this year? as for me.....I GOT MY 2 MONTHS BONUS!!!!!!!!!wohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. But can only bank in on 27. AND IF YU SAN YOU ARE READING THIS...YOU STILL OWE ME FOOD!!!!!!!YOU PROMISED!!!!!!!!!!I REMEMBER!!!!!Hrm.. money really getting really small ler, pay so much bill, then no money liow again....Oh yea, finally please deposit your cash to me for christmas.

WHoa, i dunno id anyone read this, but wow, its been 14 days straight on. This is my worst month ever. I din't even have the time to celebrate my bday...{=o(((((. so sad ler. Sigh, this is my worst bday ...ever...period! But well its strange again, i don't feel as depress as i was ealier of the month. I wonder why? Well at least i got 2 cakes for my bday..huhuhuhuhuhu....
And yes.......i finally finished my war craft campaign.....lame!!!!!i know.........its been so long only i finished it. Hey i am a working man now......no time to play game like last time. I swear i could have finished it within a week if i was still in college!!!!!!
Played some multi yesterday with ian, wow..now i know i sucked!!!!Got to learn some strategy..hehehe ciow the meow for now

wow, it has been a bz week for me, so much work to be done and yet so lil time. Well i guess its better than have nothing to do right?? Been bz with some commercial testing projects, and had been working 12 hours for 2 weeks. Man, i was wrecked.
Heh, yesterday i was in sg. wang. {=o)..sOOOoooooo many ppl, bought my self 2 tees, and a cap. I always love buying cap. I wonder why.....Then again, have any single guys out there ever give this a thought? When i was in sg. wang, there is like tons of girls walking around, single, but why we still complaining there isn't much single girls out there anymore??.........really weird. Mebbe i should stop askingmy self why am i still single, and go dive into the pool.
<----------LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK! i notice i never had a happy blog in ere before...now that something i wouldn't want don't i?..better be out there looking for more happiness.! SO I WILL BE HAPPY TODAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!....FUCK THE WORLD!

Bleh, another week, its was like just yesterday i watched Harry with 2 guys. Sounds weird....3 adults watching harry potter, 3 ADULT MALES to make things worst. Whats funnier is that it just seems like yesterday. And i really mean yesterday. Prolly nuthing had happend for the whole fucking week.Life couldn't get any more boring than this.I am practically crying out for the leave i had applied. FUCKS, the mean bitch better approve my leave, cuz i am gonna be N-U-T-S. Wow, everyone is commin back to 603's. Homes from 313, Cali, all of em. I guess the street soccer tounament had to be onz. Wow, i wonder if i remember even how to kick ballz. Oh yea, 8 mile is a great movie, personally. Really, Em is good, and i really digz the way he battle, loud mouth ass whoopin motherfucker, well mebbe i am also another loud mouth mofo, but not as skill as him tho. And to my suprise, there is a azn mc, name Jim tha Mc, he won BET hall of fame 7 weeks in a row. Now he signed with Ruff Ryders. Wow, AZN-PRIDE! Se7eN, Bone, Manick, Kurupt, you guys can suck indi ass dicks, cuz a yellow boy can rap better than you black punkz. Fake Monkey Ass Niggaz.

Well also will do alil shout out to my self, it official, i neved touched a bud for 2 months....a great acheivement i like to say so.

Just a lil something i made up while i was taking my bath this morning.

ay yo yo, check this out.
Yo, i a a-z-n mc, from the 603
Black niggaz betta lay low
when they see me,Ain't no viet moster
but a chinese gangsta
wit my back strap wit 2 gats
ready to perform,
you betta leap back
hold back, ammunation in full packs
gats ready to crack,come wit fuck that
you niggaz wanna murder me?
i'ma slaughter ya, and ya family
remmember this, i ain't no ordinary mc
am i the lyrical masta high priest
i got more rhymes, than you have mommies
why ya frontin'if you know u can't win?
get back to the gettho
do what you do best
rob a bank or sell your ass hole

Respect that

I am aching all over my body becuz of sundays badminton. It must have been over 3 months since i sweat that much. I am too lazy to comment anything today. So bleh. I declare today lazy day!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my life, i heard ppl tell ppl toi be them self, be who they are, don't be a bitch and pretend who we are not. It's interesting u know, to be who we are. Actually, what defines who we are? Be be us, we must just act casual, or just be comfortable as who we are in side??
If every personality is crafted by our surroundings, then is who we think we are really us, or its just another intergration of personality of what we perceive into one personality that forms us? So that does not mean that we are who we are but we actually copied who lot of ppl to become who we are! Confused??? Tell me about it, I live my whole life in total confusion, contradictions, and restrictions.

Yesterday, i became my slef, and said thing that prolly i shouldn't say out, but for who i really am, i said it out though. And the consequences?? I GOT FUCKED UP!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS "BE YOUR SELF" FOR?!?!?! ITS ALL FUCKED UP LIES!!!!!.........sigh..forgive my anger, i am in total shit heaps now. First, i never felt so fucking lonely in my life, second, i am losing more friends by the day, third, i am losing faith of my self, fourth, i am losing faith of the ppl around me. I just can't keep up to be the 24/7 joyful me anymore. Now days i get piss off easily, i get sad easily, i get depress easily. Well it sure is a bad sign, but what the fuck can i do?

Am i really at wrong here.
suEmaE:u know u been talking to su for couple of days.
eZdZ:yeah she's ok u know.
suEmaE:U know, u are 24, and u are a sagi
eZdZ:yeah so?
suEmaE:He ex is also 24 and sagi
eZdZ:what are u comming into?
suEmaE:I think you 2 would make a lovely couple
eZdZ:nah...i don't think i am suitable for a good girl like that.
suEmaE:she dun like good boys wan la
eZdZ:hey, don't you be talking like that, u are scaring me
suEmaE:like what?
suEmaE:u like her?
eZdZ:you never got so serious with me b4, so don't you be doing thing to me now, don't you be trippin me like that, why don't you just drop the bomb?
suEmaE:What bomb?
eZdZ:nvm, i got a lil protective over there
suEmaE:i don't understand the protective context
eZdZ:Just that all this weird talks got me a lil piss off
suEmaE: i piss u off?
eZdZ:no..not you..i mean... i get a lil protective with all these soft talk.
suEmaE:all i did is just brought up my opinion.
eZdZ:yeah i know but i just don't do this
suEmaE:well no offince but i'll freaking shut up now

well itys not the whole conversation, but .......i tried to rememeber as much as i can, but i sure sounded something like that. So am i wrong?i sure am confused.............

I sure feel like one, ther ei was apologising, and not even a min, i go piss mich off again, i really dunno whats with me, i guess we 2 are just not meant to be best of friends. Have you ever had the feeling that u just can't get along with someone, the chemistry just don't mix. So now what? should I apologise again or just shut the fuck up before i make thigns worst? Its not like i don't like her or something, but i just piss her off so easily........Totally weird......

Man, its weird, why do i do it all the time, when ppl compliment me, i feel that its a bad thing, then my defense mechanism kicks in. I started to reject these compliments, and i act strangely, either i get pissed of or i just shy away. WHATS WRONG WITH ME????!??!?

SIgh, all mich did is ask me do i like her? and i freaked out!!!!why?!?!?!? Mebbe my past relationships is just too...jumbled?,....i will never understand me. Who am i actually, what is my happiness?........what do i like best???What do i want to be?????sigh....this is all fucked up. FUCKED UP!!!!!

Nothing happened today, and yeah...i found out she is single again.....and i thinmk i do have a chance to go out with her, yahoooooooooooo, hrmm now i shall ponder my next move. But all i did is msged her, and i dun even know if she is who she IS!!!! my god....must call n check one day...but they way she msg do sound like her...Damn i think too much.........what should i do, what should i do?? Btw, Fred Numf CD kick ass.

Yeap, finally i msged her yesterday, and she did reply. I was so happy, but i guess she is still with the boy friend of hers. *TSK* but its not evil just to check right?.....right???i even wonder how she looks now, its been almost a year since i last saw her. Is she still the same girl she used to be? DO she still even favor me a bit? SO many questions, and yet so nervous. Damn, i feels like i enrolling for standard 1 again. Like a lil boy. *Double sigh*. Arhhhhhsss, i have to give my self some credit mer, right? Well just hope the first step goes well, and i think i am a evil man......after he is my friend too. Love is evil!

This was extracted from Yahoo Horoscope.

"Sagittarius Horoscope Previous Day - Next Day Sun Nov. 17, 2002 by Astrocenter.com You may find that your thinking goes to extremes today, dear Sagittarius. You are feeling very malleable, and your emotions are quite unsettled. It could be that you are fighting an urge to settle down and be calm. Other parts of you are anxious to get up and get moving. Slowing down might actually be just the thing you need to do on this day. Meanwhile, your brain is taking you from one side of the pendulum to the other without a moment's notice."

My god this is scary, it exactly describe the state i am in now. Lets just hope this is a coincident!!!

Sigh......................................another sad sunday. Rot, is what i do best, life is so ....nothing. *Sniker* It's weird that u find out you got no one to call on your cell. Just one person, thats all i am asking, to share my boredom. *Sigh* i am such a sad person, and prolly i would die a lonely death after all. No one will remember me. I guess no one will even notice that i am gone.

Well i dunno if ppl realise it, usually pretty chicks get treated much better than the rest, even pretty guys doesn't get that kinda treatment. Wonder why is people so .... realistic in this world. SO what will happen to the not so pretty girls?? Sigh, we live in a cruel cruel world. I guess packaging really means alot to us human. Some say we human are better off than an animal, but come to think of it, are we? WHoever reads this, I let you be the one who judge this statement. As for my answer, u already know it.

Laughter and joy,
Depression and sadness,
What makes a man happy,
What makes a man sad,
Joy leaves memories,
Sadness leaves scars,
Which will last longer,
Which will make us much stronger,
.................just can't finish it...